So you wanted an ugly chicks number…

I know what you’re thinking. Typical female rant.

And you know what! I don’t even mind, shoot I might even agree with you but in all honestly, this topic is long overdue! I am soooo bored of the lies folks, I mean really. Hands up ladies if you have ever been put in that unfortunate position of interacting with your own personal Sir Dumbsalot…. Anybody?

Okay. Who is this dubious character I hear you ask.

I think I’ve come up with a great way to help you figure out if you have indeed come across this special kind of dude. Why don’t we run through a checklist and if you make it to the end go ahead and add yourself to the list of victims who have suffered at the hand of these jobless wannabe mack daddies. (Forgive overzealous tones of extremist feminism but I have suffered in silence a little too long, I’m gonna tone it down though

Right back to business.

Identification Prompt One:

So your out in some place sociable and the vybe is nice. You could be with your people celebrating one of many occasions or just out with a couple of your girls, if your anything like me you could simply be enjoying your own company. A guy approaches you or maybe he just sets the playing field, you know, makes it know that he’s at least thinking about whether or not you’re on BB.

*If you’ve dropped out at this stage maybe you are ahead of the game and could infact be onto something. Avoiding social scenes may be your thing and perhaps refining ones social activity may help dodge these metaphorical bullets… Its an option, and you know what they say, different strokes for different folks.

Identification Prompt Two:

Ok, we’re at the approach. He has made the move or after shooting a couple of them sweet boy eyes across the room, he is about to make his move. He approaches you with respect, although he may invariably border the fine line of appropriateness and the levels may depend on the way you engage his discourse.

He then drops whichever line he deems fitting for this particular draw. You on the other hand, for whatever reason decide he will not be receiving the code to your cellular device.

Now you have to let him now that that is how its going down.

* If the turn in story has alienated you, once again, count yourself blessed. What that let’s me know is that you are the fortunate kind of woman that attracts the men she wants and doesn’t have the “weirdo’s try your luck” label that seems to be stuck to my head. Keep doing you sister because its a cruel cruel world out there.

Identification Prompt Three:

You attempt, in the best way you know how to turn this guy down. Now me, personally, I at all costs avoid being straight up rude. You never know who woke up on the wrong side of the bed and decided to headbutt the next bimbo he felt was givin a bit too much lip. I am not tryna be that girl. In his mind your playing hard to get and he thinks persistence is what your looking for. This may or may not be down to the general vybe of your banter and how much you were flexing your mascara covered lashes. Regardless of the technicalities, bottom line is, your not on it and he is not happy or ready to believe that you know what your on about.

Here comes the wahala. He more than likely makes it a point to raise his voice but even if not for public hearing he makes sure you hear him loud and clear when he claims “your ugly anyway, I wanted to talk to your friend anyway, [...] insert your own variation of the same thing”

* if your here and you can relate, that’s it. You have indeed met Sir Dumbsalot and I have a few words I would like to share with you.

Sometimes, these unnecessary and what could be described as verbal “happy slaps” make you feel like a bit of a pleb. Who wants to listen to anyone talk smack about them, especially in public. But here is why I think it is safe to say that such men are truly intellectually challenged thus insults from them come up null and void in my book.

If you really did exert all that energy winking your eye, adding that extra dip in your walk and speaking in that bootleg Barry White tone or even purchase a drink for a female you yourself consider ugly… you need to reduce your spare time mate. Hook yourself up with a plumbing class, pick up a new language or learn how to grow vegetables or something because pursuing ladies you label as ugly, skets or whatever seems a bit like life confuses you.

If a situation arises with a girl and she’s just not that into, grow some balls and take it on the chin. Do you think Flavour Flav became the pimp he is by flippin out at the first sign of rejection?? No sirry bob he didn’t, he just asked a lot more women and the rest is history!

Disclaimer: if you are one of those precious male specimens who finds even the thought of such behaviour cringe worthy, I apologise that you had to read through this. God bless your loins and enable you to produce more men with your mindset! Perhaps mention it to your boys and ensure they are not culprits, its does nothing for your collective swag.

Your braids do not attract babes…

I’m just keeping it 100.

So its been a while I know, and ill be the first to admit that my absence has been inexcusable HOWEVER, a sister had a lot on but forgive me, I’m back!

Why dont we go right ahead and get down to it. I dunno about you guys but for me, and please understand that I said FOR ME, men with long hair get no love. I personally don’t understand why a dude would want to deal with hairbrushes, hair bands, elaruns, shampoos, it just doesnt seem to make sense. I understand that you shouldnt judge a book by its cover but being the human that I am, sometime it cant be helped!

Literally, a couple days ago I met this sexy chocolate dude at one of my bimbos houses and my eyes seemed to have no problem with what they saw. It also helped that when he opened his mouth, crap didn’t fly out so I’m thinking, there goes another point to the brainy black boys club in which more and more women are complaining of diminishing membership. So we start talking, he seems like cools peoples and when i discover that he and my bimbo have been friends since they were in their mothers wombs, I wondered why I had not met the said chocolate man before. She explained to me that infact i had met old dude at least twice.

Pause.

What was she talking about? My memory isnt the best but im usually good with faces. So heres me really trying to search the compartments of my brain to see if i can remember this guy but its just not happening. Then she lets me know that on the other occasions I had met him he had braids. Riiiiiight, now i get it. You see, Im not sure why but my eyes block out men with braids. Like, literally, I dont see you. To be honest I think it all began after watching Cool Runnings in my youth. Something about Sanka’s locks did something to me that has really hindered my interaction with bushy haired boys across the globe!

I find it so hilarious that EVERY guy that has had long hair and later cut it off believes he was the one that rocked it differently to whatever picture I might have in my mind. They insist on proving me wrong by bringing out the photos they have treasured in an attempt to put me in my place. I give you two guesses how that turns out…

WHOOMP WHOOOMMP!!!

Now I’m put in the position of top biatch when I’m forced to let them know what I honestly think. It turns into that awkward moment of silence in which I ponder how not to break the illusion of that said brother. Remember I ALWAYS beg them not to show but nope, they think they know so what’s a girl to do!

So here goes my brief analogy as to why men should let go of their locks.

1. Despite what Maxwell, Dwele and them kinda dudes may have you believing, that picky look is not the one. You do not need the ‘nappy fro” even if you’re trying to achieve that whole “I’m a deep poetic kinda guy” look. Speaking from experience, running your hands through such do’s are… Complicated to say the least! You can loose fingernails, chip your polish and not to mention its got to be painful for the dude.

2. So your already one step ahead and have decided that in order to avoid that natural texture that can be difficult you opt to get a perm.

Silence

Kill me now! I promise you that if Dark and Lovely existed in the time of, the 11th commandment would have been “O man, thou shalt NEVER relaxeth thy hair”.

There is too much I can say on this topic but instead I will urge everyman that thinks this is ok (even if you try to play it off and say its not a perm but a texture) please think again.

3. You men are busy. I respect that. You have all these pressures society places on you and all the rest of it and it is hard. I get this. So why, precious man why, would you waste time with mirrors, combs and all that jazz when you could be hunting or something??

No. Stop. What’s that I hear you thinking… ” Mans hair don’t take long doe, 5 minites and I’m out”. Yeah, about that… We can tell. You know when dudes complain that they need a shape up or a trim and females often fail to appreciate what they mean or thinks its not that serious? Well its not the same with long hair. We are experts in knowing when a retouch is due and its painfully obvious when you havnt found anyone to redo the braids so you keep them in till the partings disappear underneath the fuzzy roots. You could be Densel but I promise you that does nothing for your swag.

All in all, I just want to say that I think there is nothing sexier than a man with a fresh trim, who knows how to use a brush. You are worth more than your weight in clippers!

Disclaimer: I know that their are exceptions to all the rules ad if you believe you can be that person…more power to you!

Could this be Nicki Minaj without the booty…

Now this lady has great breath control!

You HAVE to watch this!!!

I think these three are a little bit of alrite…

Just a quickie…

Hey folks!

I hope youve enjoyed the weather if you managed to catch the good days! Ive been M.I.A due to upcoming exams, essays blah blah blah but I wanted to share something that made me : )

Enjoy xX

Oh and ladies, you all know your thinking about experiementing with curls or long straight hair this summer… Have a look at

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Your-Tresses/213071058719395

These pubes do not belong to me….

This is a serious matter.

Now when I first mentioned to one of my bimbos the strong urge I had to write about this particular issue of mine, she looked at me like I was certified crazy. I didn’t pay that too much mind because she’s a bit of a princess and has always been uncomfortable with nudity (even after over 10yrs of friendship kmt) so it didnt really come as a supprise. The next person was one chocolate boy whom I promised I’d dedicate this entry too (here u go mate this pubey entry goes out to u!) After explaining the same issue, he too was not as sympathetic as I had hoped. In fact his exact words were “man dem don’t waste time with soap. There probably your pubes anyway”. Can you imagine?

I know what belongs to me, and these did not. Let me set the scene.

Its a Wednesday, about 12 midday. I don’t have class on this particular wedanesday so I’ve caught up with Desperate Housewives (yes I still watch it Oh and here’s a weird Lamide fact: in my 1st year of undergrad, it was my tradition to wear heels throughout the duration of the show, who remembers! Not no more doe, we grown) Anywho, ive caught up with my show and now I’m ready to start some work. I tie my Indian up, strip, grab my towel and head for the bathroom.

Im what you mite refer to as a shower superstar, you know, one of them ones where you turn into Aretha once you hit the bathroom and the shower head becomes your mic… yeah, thats me. So im getting my Beyonce on and after a couple numbers I decide its probably about time that I do what I came to do (procrastination is a female dog!) I go to grab my soap and I notice that its not on the second shelf as per, instead its on the third…. hmmm interesting…

No big deal.

No big deal until I notice a couple unruly and somewhat lengthy hairs that are definitely NOT relaxed and seeing as everyone up in my house has a perm, this becomes a problem. These bad boys clearly did not grow out of anybodies head and I quickly concluded that unless jerri curls are the new ‘ in thing’ for leg hairs in 2011, they didnt come from there either.

Now, I dont want to go into too much detail on this particular subject, I do however, want to help, if at all possible, prevent others from dealing with this unpleasant situation. And so I urge, if you are the owner of such runaway bad boys, do your thing, nobody is monitoring how you like to keep your forest. But if you are one of these natural preservation kinda peeps, please please PLEASE be aware that there are consequences. Keep track of your belongings and if you cant be bothered to do that, I PROMISE you Superdrug has regular sales on Nair.

DISCLAIMER: For all those who may have concluded that I accidently put the soap on the 3rd shelf and am infact talking about myself…im way to scissor happy for the mess.

Justin Bieber eat your heart out…

Ok folks, I’m switching it up a little.

I was reporting another one of my experiences to one of my bimbo (post soon come) and we both decided that the things that occur to me are reckless! Most times I actually wonder if people believe me! Well, in an effort to help you share the lens through which I see the world, I’ve decided to start posting videos that i like or that make me laugh, cry, whatever. I know its not the same as waling around with a video cam but i figured at least this way I get to avoid jail (we all know what happens to the cute ones…)

First up is a video one of my linesisters exposed me to. Now, Im not sure what is more disturbing, the use of hair relaxer for old dude’s hair or the video chicks who seem to be dead serious about this as breakthrough career move, please note the severity in their manner.

Ladies, we talk about wanting a man that is dedicated to his ambitions and what not so tell me, does this apply here?

They also say its a good thing when a man is attentive to our wants and needs, we could suggest that his repeated question infers just this…

In my opinion, this is the outcome of quenching your thirst with the sort of pimp juice Lil’John keeps in that cup of his. I also blame the long permed look and uncanning use of bandannas on Lil’ Wayne (perhaps this bloke just wasnt ready to make that full commitment to the locks yet).

Finally, a note to parents: Please please please be mindful of your children and take an interest in their pastimes. These individuals too belong to somebody and who knows, maybe if they had a blog like this were such warnings were publicised, they wouldnt have to avoid church, work and wherever else to avoid the fame their offspring attract.

Lend me your penis…

Sometimes I honestly think you blokes dont deserve them!.

So before you class me as a heathen, let me explain myself. Recently i’ve been chilling with a few of my male friends and have been trying to understand their point of view on a number of things. One of them, for example, was explaining to me a situation with one of the chicks in his life. He tells me that she is special, he has never really met anyone like her before yada yada yada but then proceeds to say that he’s gonna ‘see how it goes’… Ok. no big deal. Another one of my fellas tells me that he is kind of building on a possible long distance relationship with a girl he has known nearly all his life. He says he feels like they have a special connection, they see eye to eye and are compatible in many areas, he also hasnt felt like this with another girl based on the core values they share but he thinks it will be best to ‘see how it goes’. Fella number three was with his ex for 3 years. He described her as being as close to perfect as he THOUGHT he would find yet decided it was necessary to go on a break because he felf himself becoming complacent and needed to make sure he was doing the right thing. Your kidding me right…

Do you see a pattern here?

What im saying is that i have noticed a trend that these guyfriends of mine. They claim that they want to be the alpha male and persue their women but really and truely I dont think that is completely accurate. Instead, their actions illustrate that they lack confidence in their own faith/instincts/preferences and so they want around the supermarket without putting anything in the ir baskets. I just pray that what they want isnt out of stock when they finally make their descisions.

The way I see it, many single guys I know do not have big enough balls to make a stand to get their girl! Please please please dont get me wrong. As a Christian I understand that deciding on a life partner (im not talking getting into passa passa relationships now, we grown!) is a choice that requires direction and discernment, i get that, really I do. These days however its almost as if the belief among the guys I know is that romantic passivity results in spiritual superiority… trust me mate this is sooo not the case. Lets take it to church for a second. We’ve all heard the “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and finds favor with the Lord” shpeal but lets talk about it. Did you know that the word ‘find’ is a verb? I have a hard time remembering what the difference is but ima help you out (dont be shamed). I looked it up and found “a word indicating action”…hmmm interesting. I take this as a sign that blokes have a responsibility to make it happen. Now now fellas, dont get all excited and think that gives you a stalker pass, the government is clamping down on that so my advise… use wisdom!

This is why I ask for a temporary willy. I think that its the only way that I could fully understand the menality of a man. Personally, I know that if I thought I had found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with I would not be content with ‘seeing how it goes’. The thing is I dont even blame you blokes. When I look around, I see an army of ‘wifey material’ bimbos who are looking to settle down and we all know what happens when we have too many options…confusion! I know that if I had mandingo tucked up in some CK’s I would actually seek in the hope that I would find, knock in the hope that a door would open as opposed to waiting for someone to tell me where to look or sit around contemplating if i should use the door bell or the intercom.

Mr I, Mr D, Mr O, Mr M and Mr D… dont do me for slander!!!

Im just saying.

Ps i dont really want a wil, and I love all my guys. I just think |(or would like to hope) that if i did have one, I’d take a different approach to what I have seen surrounded by.

Love, peace and chicken grease xX

Big booty girls…

I am not one of them.

This morning (it was a while back now) one of my younger sisters sent me a text telling the that another one of my younger sisters asked her why her arse was so big. She said her response was  “why was it angel Gabriel that had to tell Mary the good news and not another angel… these are things we will never know”. I laughed so hard! That particular comment got me thinking about all those poor girls (yeah right) who have the same issue. Big fat bottoms. Can i just say that I am fully aware that there are more pressing social issues but this one too (in my opinion) deserves a little attention.

I have a few mates who have posteriors that will make you ask yourself if God in fact loves you.. (I soon realised that such questioning equates me with what some may refer to as a “waste-chick” so I’ve stopped). I’m talking about the type of behinds that not only those poor helpless men (yeah right) cannot help but adore, but the type that has your neck streching waaay out of it’s elasticity remit to catch a second glance.

I will be the first to admit. I do like a nice big bum. And before somebodys mind gets carried away let me just state that I am all the way hetrosexual, I just understand that God put gifts of a wide variey on this earth and I am simply appreciative of this particular type…. Sue me ; )

So one day one of my BBBs (big booty bimbos) came to see me but all I could see was what was behind her. I must admit I have never really shaken that “woah… Ur bum is MASSIVE” state of mind when it comes to this particular BBB however, on this occassions was a little too much for me. She walked into my room and my bottom lip literally hit the floor… Ridiculous! She had the cheek to have on these leggin/long-johns and the cotton to lycra ratio just could hack it. This chicks bottom looked as though someone had tied two ballons together, attached them to a gas tank and then forgot to stop the air supply…EVER. After my initial HOT DAYUUUM! moment I calmed down and told her (in a little less than calm manner) that what she did was wrong. I told her that she was never to wear those leggings again (imagine o! As if I bought them!) I also told her that she cannot wear a whole bunch of things for fear of causing traffic jams, heart attacks, divorces, who knows! Just in case they are reading (J and Z but not Jay Z LOOOL I crack myself up!) This story was the same for BOTH of you and I had the same reaction to both!

This leads me to an important question. Should we expect BBBs to cover up what they mama gave them? Is it there fault that they fill out most pairs of jeans and do damgage in shorts? Should they buy the trousers that are two size larger simply to accomodate whats they got in their back seats? My answer is … well i dont know!! Part of me thinks that I could make a fortune making bum minimisers and the other thinks i’d loose all that money being sued my angry men (perhaps women) across the globe for robbing them of such art work!

Boy…what can you do. #shrugs

Besides stare at them that is!

Guess who’s back….

Its me duuuh!!!

Hey folks!

So I know ive been M.I.A for a while but life has been a bit of a rollercoaster lately! Not to worry I’ve left the theme park and now im back in reality. Ive also been working on my mastes degree and a new business venture that I shall let you all know about this time next month by Gods grace!!

Anywho, I just wanted to let you know that I missed telling you about the crazy things I think and see but new posts will be coming soon!

Love, peace and elbow grease!